


in some capacity

by a financial diuretic (Shame_Account)



Series: i've seen 2 whole episodes of Suits don't ask me how lawyering works [10]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BDSM, Boss/Employee Relationship, Developing Relationship, John gets the & tag bc he's at least in this for about 60 seconds, Kink Negotiation, M/M, No Sex, Relationship Negotiation, Trans Alex, Trans Male Character, but i don't want to disappoint ppl searching those tags, lots of talking, other characters and relationships are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:16:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shame_Account/pseuds/a%20financial%20diuretic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Anyway, I - you remember I mentioned a couple times, we should swap lists?"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>Alex hands over the papers. "This is mine."</p><p>George stares down at the top page, sees a winking emoticon, and wills himself to not actually read anything else yet. "It's... three pages. Three <em>typed</em> pages."</p><p>"Barely. We should probably sit down."</p>
            </blockquote>





	in some capacity

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few weeks after [rephrase the question](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6634768) and [not completely stupid](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6659257).
> 
> Warning: hey so there's no actual sex in this fic but there is some pretty straightforward talk about a lot of different kinks, including in the context of "these are things I can't and won't do." There's also discussion of past dysfunctional relationships + infidelity.
> 
> I have a tumblr now! I'll be posting links to fic updates there in the Whamilton tag, if that's easier for anyone to keep track of. I probably won't be on it much otherwise but feel free to drop in and say hi. [the title is awful and likely staying that way because i am the worst.](http://suitsdontask.tumblr.com/)

"I need your advice."

"No."

"I won't say I don't have any experience with sneaking around, because Eliza and Maria's ears will start burning and they will jointly kick down our door and destroy me -"

"You did also cheat on _me_ ," John points out, with a years-old lack of anything more heated than pedantry for its own sake.

Alex doesn't even glance up from his screen. "You cheated on me first."

"We never actually agreed on that timeline. Anyway, I'm just _saying_ -"

" _I'm_ just saying, I've done the whole secret relationship song and dance - uh, not very well in retrospect, but I've _done_ it - but this is, like. I mean. I'm sleeping with my boss. I have reached new heights."

The sound of typing ceases from John's side of the curtain separating their beds. "Some people," he says, slowly, "might have phrased that. Differently."

"Some people think fuzzy handcuffs and basic roleplay are the kinkiest shit in the world."

The curtain rustles. John peers out at him with an almost physically pained expression. "Did you really just put semi-vanilla sex and _not_ _fucking_ _your_ _boss_ in the same box? As a negative? Did you _really_ just do that?"

"Life is short," Alex says, and shrugs. "Anyway my question is - I mean, I really only have Netflix dramas to pull from? What do you think the odds are of anyone _actually_ combing through George's work email, because-"

John leaps through the curtain and slams his laptop closed.

* * *

"Wait, wait wait," Alex says, doesn't actually push George away but detaches himself as much as he can, pressed up against the door.

George takes his hands off him, takes a step back. This rings fewer alarm bells than it would have last time, or the time before, or – well. He's learning that Alex calling for a momentary halt to the proceedings doesn't necessarily mean _something is going horribly wrong_ ; more often it means _let's address x y and z before they have a_ _ **chance**_ _to go horribly wrong_. (And occasionally it means _I just remembered this awful thing Jefferson did at work today, I have to tell you, it's hilarious-_ )

Alex lowers his computer bag to the floor, unzips the outer pocket and draws out three sheets of paper, neatly stapled. "Okay, so," he begins, speaking down at the papers instead of to George. "We've done this - five times now, including tonight, in three weeks? This is - are we on the same page about this being an ongoing thing? Maybe something that the word 'relationship' could be applied to, privately, in some capacity?"

Ah. Honestly, George was beginning to wonder how long Alex was going to let that question go unspoken. "I hope so."

Alex looks up, meets his eyes. "You haven't said anything about it."

"I didn't think I should be the one to bring it up, considering..." George clears his throat. "Well. Considering."

"Considering you're my boss."

"Yes. That." And that still feels wrong. George would be more worried if it didn't.

Alex shrugs. "Fair enough. Anyway, I - you remember I mentioned a couple times, we should swap lists?"

"Yes?"

Alex hands over the papers. "This is mine."

George stares down at the top page, sees a winking emoticon, and wills himself to not actually read anything else yet. "It's... three pages. Three _typed_ pages."

"Barely. We should probably sit down."

They sit. George drops into the chair next to the television, across the coffee table from the couch, without really thinking about it, and then realizes it probably looks like he's deliberately avoiding sitting next to Alex (who situates himself in the dead center of the couch, settles his bag at his feet, and just _looks_ at him), and then tells himself to stop overthinking things before _he_ starts wondering if he's deliberately avoiding sitting next to Alex.

He reads.

* * *

**GENERAL INFO:**

Okay so. Don't overanalyze anything on here. The first part is not a list of "things we have to do if you want me to stick around" it is merely a list of things I'm particularly interested in. And don't feel obligated to disclose every single thing you're into in return; I definitely left items off of this. the only stuff that's really Mandatory is the list of hard limits. We don't have to discuss or explain anything either of us doesn't want to but I need to know yours and you need to know mine. There would be so much less terrible relationship drama in the world if people would just act like adults and be reasonably open about this stuff!

So anyway: as far as bdsm type stuff goes I'm definitely more of a sub - willing and able to play a dom role though as long as it's not every time - but we don't actually have to do anything with that information if you don't want to, the stuff we've been doing is more than fine on its own >;)

but yeah Consider The Following:

**KINKS:**

Instructions/Orders/Praise. Basically tell me what to do, how to do it, etc., and then tell me when I'm getting it right. Magic words: "good boy." (Don't overuse them. Make me earn it.)(It's fine for aftercare purposes though.)

Related to the above: criticism/insults/punishment/degradation*, less often but on occasion i am in the kind of mood to be called horrible things and/or take some kind of physical punishment for [insert terrible thing I've probably done at some point in my life here]. This one needs to be something only I can initiate. (As the person on the receiving end I mean.)

Also related to the first point: I like scenes where I get to disobey those orders and instructions and get away with it. This gets tricky though and we shouldn't attempt it until we settle into a safeword system we're both comfortable with.

Sensory deprivation (as long as nothing is covering my mouth or nose)

Gagging ( _never_ in conjunction with sensory dep, often in conjunction with degradation, sometimes by itself and always with a non-verbal safeword system in place)

Orgasm delay - DELAY - NOT denial (i can do denial in the dom role if you want i just mean when it's me.) Ties back into the orders/praise kink (are you surprised). (I _can_ do denial in the sub role if it's something you're into, it just doesn't do anything for me and I can hold out for like a day or two at the most before i lose patience because that shit is _distracting_ and i have a life to live)

I'm gonna go ahead and guess you've probably noticed I like having things in my mouth I don't think I really need to expand on that

Rough sex, up to a point. I'm cool with biting, slapping, scratching, though obviously we need to be careful about anything that leaves a mark anywhere visible. Not that anyone would be able to tell _who_ left the mark if it was only on one of us but we probably shouldn't put our acting skills to that kind of test. "nice hickey where'd that come from" "definitely not [Your Name Here, i'm printing this at a fucking kinko's, if you have an alternate email address i really need it] thanks for asking"

Restraints - handcuffs, ties, scarves, ropes, whatever. Whether I'm being tied _to_ something or having my wrists bound or anything else we can think of doing. Probably shouldn't mix this with gagging though because my only noticeable recourse re: safewording at that point would be, like, kicking you.

And I am up for trying pretty much anything else that's not on the next list. we both reserve the right to suddenly realize something needs to _be_ on that list though.

**HARD LIMITS:**

Breathplay, erotic asphyxiation, choking, whatever you want to call it, anything that involves Not Breathing. I can't be on either side of that.

Feminization. (Guess why.) Gender roles are bullshit but they are a brand of bullshit that my brain knows how to torment me with. Specifically: traditionally female-coded clothing or pet names, adjectives like "beautiful," "pretty," etc. (If you overdo it on calling me handsome or manly I will probably just laugh at you. Yes people have done this. Yes they thought they were being smooth. _No they were not_.)

Scenes without a safeword system in place. We've been kind of cheating on this one we need to get our shit together if we want to do more than the basics (which, again, we don't have to). I like the stoplight system. And I just want to state on the record that I definitely am NOT one of those terrifying people who thinks the sub is the only person in the scene who needs to be able to tap out.

Related: When it comes to non-verbal safeword stuff, I prefer hand signals, very obvious physical movements. We can figure out whatever but we Can't do the whole "blink twice and we'll stop" type thing, I am never going to notice that during a scene and I don't really want to spend the whole time trying not to accidentally blink the wrong number / hoping you're paying super close attention to my eyes.

*So an addendum to the previously mentioned kink of criticism/insults/punishment/degradation: unless we very specifically negotiate how it's going to play out beforehand, never call me any variation of "worthless." Including "this is the only thing you're good for" type stuff. Probably leave "bastard" out of it too.

95% of the time I'm fine with anything that might involve water (shower, ice for temp. play, etc) but if i say i'm not, I'm Not, don't ask why.

PIV without a condom. there is like a 1% chance that i could still get pregnant and it is not a chance i want to take.

I can't do that 24/7 Dom/Sub Lifestyle thing some people do. Slightly exacerbated by our situation being what it is but mostly just the fact that every warning bell in my head went off the second I found out letting someone be in charge of you literally all the time is a thing, and at least one of them is still ringing. (Like. Ok that sounds judgey. I'm not judging people who are into it I just could never handle that, I would panic two days in, skip town and change my name. I am good at both of those things.) (Probably goes without saying but I can't do this one from the Dom side either.)

Aftercare Is Not Optional. or at least, like, checking in. for both of us. sometimes for me i need to be left alone, other times i need like. the opposite. i am generally very bad at articulating what i need in this regard so don't take silence as contentedness, ask me questions.

There is historical precedent for me suddenly deciding I'm actually okay with something on this list and that we should totally try it out. DO NOT TAKE THIS AT FACE VALUE. Shut it down and if I keep pushing, make me talk you through my thought process and if it sounds like bullshit it probably is. DO NOT ENGAGE. Remind me that past me warned us both against this and if all else fails threaten to call my roommate. (Just refusing to take part doesn't actually guarantee I won't go find someone else, please do call him if you think I'm going to do that.)

And hey, blink twice if this hasn't scared you off.

* * *

George blinks twice. Looks up at Alex, who is sitting perfectly still except for the rhythmic tapping of one foot on the floor, one of only two signs that he's at all nervous.

The other sign being the silence.

George clears his throat. "You printed this at a Kinko's?"

Alex grins. "If they were still actually called that I wouldn't have been able to go inside. I, uh, found one on my phone that was pretty, well, several blocks away from my apartment, but I still felt like I should have been wearing a fake mustache and maybe a novelty T-shirt, y'know, 'NOT SLEEPING WITH MY BOSS.'"

George is - a little too unnerved to laugh. "I think my old Yahoo account still exists, I'll see if I can dig up my password from somewhere and give you the address. ...Thank you for not sending this to my work email."

"Thank my roommate, I was about five seconds away from risking it but in John's words I am apparently 'a grown-ass _lawyer_ who should fucking know better.'"

"I'll send him a fruit basket," George says dryly, and glances back down at the list. He's not really sure what to make of - most of it. "I realize," he says, slowly, "that you giving me this, is... I appreciate you trusting me with this information."

Alex nods, tightly. "But?"

"It's not - not exactly a 'but,' um. I'm just... not very. Experienced. In... In this."

Alex tilts his head. "Yeah, I kind of wondered. You know you still wince when I say the word _blowjob_?"

"Yes," George admits, making an effort not to do it this time. "And it's not that I object to anything, exactly, it's just... I never really had the - the opportunity? Or. The desire, I suppose. To... explore. Things. I mean I didn't even - I was a couple months away from twenty-two before I even came out of the closet, to _anyone_ , and it was - I know 2000 doesn't sound like a long time ago but it was _different_ back then. I wasn't exactly thinking about. Stuff like this."

"We don't have to do anything new," Alex says hurriedly. "I - I get it. It's all just - there for reference, like I said in the thing, the limits are the only really important part."

George stares down at the papers to avoid looking Alex in the eye. "I'm not saying no," he hears himself say. "Can I just - can I think about it?"

"Yeah, of course."

"And I'll - I'll try to. Put one of these together. At least the limits." Anxiety is clawing at him, pinpricks up and down his spine. He shakes himself, annoyed - he really _doesn't_ object to any of this. _Get a grip. You're not twenty and closeted and terrified. You're allowed to think about these things._

Change the subject. Away from himself. "Um - if I ever do end up calling your roommate, how do I - I mean does he - does he know?"

"That he's my emergency sex contact? Yes."

"That's a... somewhat misleading title."

"Yeah, running joke, remnant from back when it did actually mean what it sounds like it means."

George blinks. More than twice. "Okay, back up."

Alex shrugs. "You want the short story or the long story?"

"I get a choice?"

"The short story is that we dated at Columbia, it was terrible and we had the worst breakup imaginable, reconnected in our last year through mutual friends who were sick of having to take sides, and now we're both very secure in the knowledge that we're _never_ hooking up again."

"Now I'm intrigued, what's the longer story?"

Alex laughs out loud. "That's not the reaction I was expecting."

"That's not the _backstory_ I was expecting. Isn't John a doctor?"

"Yeah, he was at the College of Physicians and Surgeons, we met at a student-run LGBT group that met up a couple times a week, people came from different schools." Alex pauses, and then adds, in a rush, "John is - very out, by the way, doesn't care who knows, I'm not - I don't just. Go around outing my friends."

"I didn't assume you do," George assures him. "Go on."

"It was - like, in hindsight, every single relationship I had at Columbia was a disaster. Just. All of them. Excluding Angelica and only because we somehow had enough collective good sense to bail super early. Actually, no, that's giving me way too much credit, most of the good sense was hers. Like ninety percent of it."

"I'm trying not to comprehend the words you've just said," George says, flipping back to the first page of Alex's list and staring blankly down at it. His gaze lands on  _orgasm delay_ and he wrenches his head back up. "And to forget about her telling me the two of you were in love once. Because if I think about her in this context she will - _sense_ it, and kill me, or at the very least we'll never be able to interact ever again. Which would be a shame both for me personally and for the future of the firm."

Alex snorts, leans back into the couch cushions. "For the sake of our clients I'll tell you right now, we never physically got beyond kissing."

"Thank you. I'm going to choose to believe that."

"We really didn't." Alex rubs the back of his neck, looks down at the floor. "We weren't exactly - I mean I wasn't - okay, hold on a second." He pulls out his phone.

George is beginning to form a theory. "What are you doing?"

"Getting permission to tell a story."

Theory very nearly confirmed. "I think I already know," he says, carefully, "about the part of the story you don't know if you can tell me? I think Angelica already did, a long time ago."

Alex glances up at him and then back down at his phone, expression unreadable. "Probably. Just want to make sure."

"Right." Right. Good job, George, implying you'd be fine with the risk of outing somebody. Great.

 _Calm down._ _It's not like you actually said it._

After a few tense seconds, Alex hums at his phone in a satisfied sort of way and slips it back into his pocket. "Okay, so, I met Angelica at that same group. We were the only two trans people there for a long time, and it was my first time being out at all - first access to any kind of resources, hormones, support network, people who'd call me what I wanted to be called. And she was a year ahead of me but it was still - Columbia was her first time being out on her own away from family. Like, her sisters are great, as far as I know they never weren't, but her dad - I mean, he came around, he's better about it now, and he did pay for stuff for her - she _hated_ that he was paying for stuff for her - he used to call her by the wrong name all the time, not, like, vindictively, he just didn't get it. But - all I mean is, it was kind of the first time either of us got to exist out in the world like - 'wow, I'm a man,' 'wow, I'm a woman,' and have other people see us that way, and - and have somewhere to go when they _didn't_. We latched onto each other right away and it was - not actually unhealthy, at first, I think we probably. Saved each other, a little bit, I know she saved me. The romance was where it all kind of fell apart, it just... It made things too complicated. I won't speak for what Angelica was or wasn't going through but I know I wasn't - wasn't super at ease with my own body at that point and a lot of what I did or wanted to do was. Primarily a way to fight that."

Alex trails off, hunches over himself and pulls at a loose string from the couch.

George gives him time to go on, and then clears his throat when he doesn't. "She told me she - threw you at her sister, I think is how she phrased it?"

Startled bark of laughter from Alex. "That's - a very abridged version of events but not technically untrue. She kept saying I should meet Eliza, that we'd get along great, and we finally did meet when she and Peggy came to visit for Angelica's birthday one year, and we _did_ get along great. That..." He stops, sighs, shakes his head. "That relationship probably could have been - borderline normal and healthy, in better circumstances. Like. Of all my failed Columbia-era romances that lasted longer than a week, me and Eliza were the _least_ fucked up. Riiight up until I cheated on her."

"Nice."

"Yeah. Not proud of that."

"And John?"

"John was..." Alex tilts his head, considering. "For a while, whenever I wasn't with someone else, I was with him. We never really set boundaries so of course we both crossed, like, all of them. I cheated on him once because I thought he was cheating on me and we _still_ haven't figured out if he was or if that didn't happen until later. And we both - this is gonna sound so bad, this _already_ sounds bad, I've never actually explained me and John to anybody and I am realizing  _exactly_ how terrible it sounds and it gets so much worse."

"Try me."

Alex exhales, slowly, and won't look at him. "We're both fighters, is the biggest thing. We've learned to be, we've had to be. And back then that could get - a little too literal. We never - we didn't. Hurt each other. Physically. But we'd have - just, screaming matches. And we brought out the worst in each other, like, if I was by myself and I walked past some asshole saying something -" Alex waves a hand in the air. "You know, _terrible_ , or not even terrible, just factually _wrong_ , or both, on my own I'd flip him off and keep moving, probably figure out who he was and drag his name through the mud later. If I was with John, one or both of us would jump in and just. Try to goad the other guy into throwing a punch so we could hit back."

"You at that age sounds a little like me at _your_ age," George says, before he can stop himself. And then figures: well, this did all start because Alex saw him breaking up a bullshit protest.

Alex finally looks at him again. "So you kind of know what I mean."

"I think so."

"It was also, you know, John was the first - the first cis guy I dated as... as me. And he's gay. And there was a part of me that was just... using our relationship as validation of my identity, you know - of course I'm a _real_ _man_ , I'm dating a gay guy. And he was using _me_ to annoy his father - which _worked_ , and was _great_ , and I have _so many_ hilarious stories for you, some other time – but we both kind of just figured, okay, we're even, and the sex is good, so probably just ignore it when things start to feel wrong, like, _emotionally_ , who has time for that? And he did - I mean, I'm not trying to vilify him. He's - he did kind of."

Alex brings a hand up to his face, stifles laughter into it, suddenly looks more fondly amused than anything else. "He was one of the people who definitely went overboard on giving me very _masculine_ compliments but I pretty much asked him to. He could be sweet. And then he'd punch a guy for calling me an _it_ and I'd put that - like, in the same box, the same box with the compliments, and not see anything wrong with that, and I'd scream at people who called him a faker or a closet case or whatever they decided he was that day for dating a - whatever they decided I was that day, and I mean I was fighting them for me too but I was. Mostly fighting them for him. Which I told myself made it more noble. ...I swear we both got a respectable amount of studying done between all the drama."

"I was beginning to wonder."

"He's..." Alex frowns, turns his head and chews his lip, staring at something that isn't there. It's getting late and the only light they turned on is over in the kitchen; the streetlights filter in through the blinds, painting stripes across his profile and George is - mesmerized. Shit.

"He's my best friend," Alex continues at last. Quiet. "And maybe a little more than that, but not in a - like. We don't. We haven't slept together since the breakup. I mean we have - literally, we have. Slept. But we don't hook up, we don't date. It's kind of nice, having a friend who's already dealt with you at your worst, and, you know, the other way around, and you both know a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship, it's not going to work, and you don't really want it to. I don't know, it's - relaxing."

"I think I know - not exactly what you mean, but some of it," George says, smiling fondly at a sudden swell of memories. "An ex of mine, Martha - she's out, very out - she ended our relationship by coming out to me and I rang in the new millennium by coming out to her."

Alex turns abruptly away from the window to face him again, eyes wide. "That's - that's legitimately beautiful, what the hell. That's like. Poetic." He sounds almost angry about it.

George grins. Maybe a little smug. Leave out all the details - how terrified they both were, how small the world felt - and it does make for a cute story. Neatly wrapped up. They've earned that much, surely. "We like to think so."

"Are you still close?"

"We keep in touch. I moved, she didn't."

They're quiet for a while after that. George scans quickly through the list again, using his phone for a light and feeling less and less bewildered on the second and third reads.

Alex stretches lazily, tips his head up against the back of the couch. "You know, it's occurring to me that we've never actually - I mean my twitter profile says I'm pan, and, I mean, you don't actually have to answer this but just out of curiosity-"

"Bisexual," George says, automatically, and then pauses to think, and adds: "...ish. I know the Kinsey scale is outdated but it's easiest to just think of myself as a 4 or 5."

"Hmm. So let's say, hypothetically speaking, I don't actually know the Kinsey scale off the top of my head -"

"I'm not gay, but I'm primarily attracted to men."

"Cool."

A thought strikes. George frowns. "I - were you worried I meant -"

"I would probably have questions," Alex says, the picture of nonchalance. "If it was the other way around. But it's not. So I don't. And I wouldn't have run off if it was. I promise at some point the minefield of things that might freak me out does actually end."

"I just don't want to step on any of them."

"Doing great so far. Thanks for running with the metaphor. Are we, uh -" Alex sits up straight, regards him quizzically. "Are we still actually doing anything tonight?"

George looks at the papers, and then at Alex, and then across the room at the clock on the microwave. Tomorrow morning does not feel nearly far enough away. "Um."

"Would it help," Alex says, with a rueful grin, "if I was the first to say I'm no longer really in the mood?"

"I - yeah. Neither am I."

They regard each other across the coffee table. Careful. Quiet.

"I could just go home," Alex says, and doesn't move.

George considers this. "You could," he says. "Or we could watch TV. Catch up on work."

Alex grins, and it's an expression George realizes he's beginning to recognize - there is a difference between Alex smiling because he wants to and Alex smiling because he can't not. This is the latter.

George can feel himself mirroring it.

Wordlessly, they get out their laptops, and George turns on the television, volume low on a late night talk show, and settles beside Alex on the couch. Leaves a space.

Alex moves into it. Presses their shoulders together, just barely, and glances sideways at him. Questioning. George smiles, and then quickly turns back to the safety net that is his computer screen.

They work. Alex talks back to the TV.

It's a good night.

**Author's Note:**

>  **You:** how old do you think people are when they go to law school  
>  **Me:** shhh alex and angelica both fast tracked through undergrad  
>  **You:** and laurens  
>  **Me:** i know the same amount about medical school as i do about law firms
> 
> things i have been trying to work into this series for literal weeks now:
> 
> 1) alex and angelica meeting at a trans support group (turned into a more general group and them being the only trans people there)
> 
> 2) alex and john being very amicable exes who were terrible for each other romantically (i don't hate that ship or anything but, you know, for the sake of this 'verse)
> 
> 3) george's hesitation stemming partly from being a terrified closeted teenager/young adult during the 90s and coming out at the start of a year that, among other things, ended with the election of George W. Bush. ouch.


End file.
